Nemui desu

As the title states I'm sleepy. I'm exhausted. Everyone I know is too. Something has sucked all the energy and joy out of life right before Christmas. YUCKY! All I want to do is sleep/ lay in bed.

I've had the flu... or quite possibly anxiety disorder - they have the same symptoms and I've been having small panic attacks. I figured flu until yesterday when I went home early from work because I was nauseous only to feel better after a nap and eating a good comfort food dinner – potatoes and eggs. I began to wonder if the tightness in my chest and the constant feeling of not being able to breath was more than I thought.

I looked some things up on Medline Plus (the best place for medical info), I read this list, and then went "crap". All but those last two are the same as flu.


* Racing or pounding heartbeat
* Chest pains
* Stomach upset
* Dizziness, lightheadedness, nausea
* Difficulty breathing, a sense of feeling smothered
* Tingling or numbness in the hands
* Flushes or chills
* Dreamlike sensations or perceptual distortions
* Terror: a sense that something unimaginably horrible is about to occur
and one is powerless to prevent it
* Fear of losing control and/or doing something embarrassing
* Fear of dying

So I'm either really sick or dying. . . er I mean stressed.

Dear Santa

Hello everyone who will be asking about my wish list. I have a bit of a list at Amazon.com and the link is HERE

Other things are:

Art Supplies
Water saluble oil paint - I don't have any so a starter kit or something is good.



I'll add more when I think of things.

SWEENEY TODD!!!

*shiver of joy*

The new Sweeney Todd is opening on Dec. 21 I heard some of the music and it's not as good as the original cast with Angela Landsbury. The link below is to her singing the meet pie song. I loved this musical growing up and would sing it a lot. One time, according to my parents, I came dancing up from the family room singing it and as I reached the front room said "with or without his privates; with is extra". The Bishop was visiting at the moment. *laugh* my poor mother.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYGHHxJnDIw

You can’t show fine art here… it’s disgusting!

A teacher at Utah Valley State College created a poster advertising his new class; studying humanities from the baroque to the present. On his poster he had a lot of different images including Amor by Caravaggio - one of the most famous artist of the baroque era. BUT because the figure is a male nude (with an 1/8 of an inch penis) he was told that he couldn’t put the poster up. This is a state school first off and I doubt they can censor something that clearly is classical art and not something of a prurient interest . . . that means IT”S NOT PORN! Also there are classes taught here where students are tested on images containing similar nudes. For heavens sake they have nude models in the art department! Then there are the human anatomy classes, and lets not forget literature classes where the human body is described.



The censorship of the image is now waiting for a decision from a VP of the school. It’s not hard folks the answer is you can’t censor this. It’s art! And you think it’s a “naughty” image then you have problems! You are the one with issues. It’s a beautiful painting… just like the Sistine chapel. Just like most art for the last 2000 years

For a school in a town that claims to be filled with people who say they are the possessors of Gods truth they sure do miss the boat about the sacredness of the human body. This image does not defile man, but seeks to inspire or praise the miracle of it. Wonder what they’ll do when they learn the museum puts up paintings of nude ALL THE TIME.

Well if they don’t like that one maybe they’ll let him use St. John the Baptist…with goat!

Shoots and Fails

It’s been awhile since my last burble, but a lot has happened. HOWEVER, the blog at this time to decry the loss of the chef at Shoots! Steve Tsai, the most amazing Chinese c chef quit *weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth* I have no idea where he has gone, if he is still in the valley or in Utah for that matter and the food at Shoots is going down hill. I had the Chensha Chicken (SP?) and it was FLAT. All the dishes are flat and filled with soy sauce. Rick is devastated and I’m just plan bummed. If only I’d tried to figure out the chicken before it was too late *weep*. I’m not sure what to do. I may have to resort to PF Changs *weep more*.

STEVE TSAI WHERE ARE YOU!?!?!?!?!?

The Anti-Color

There are a lot of wonderful colors out there. A lovely Prussian blue is one of my favorites also, alizarin crimson, Payne’s gray, Naples yellow, and hookers green. But Orange! I used to like the color orange; I think out of pity, but it really isn’t a good color. It’s the color that hunters wear like a big sign that says “hey idiot, I’m not a deer”.

It does have nice uses; pumpkins, Buddhist robes (that’s technically Saffron), oranges, Ichigo’s hair (but it really could have been any color) and I’m sure a lot of other nice things, but NOT on web pages.

Have you ever tried to read text printed on orange? It’s pure evil.
I’ve been working on a story and was doing research about Nimrod/Gilgamesh and found a rather helpful sight, but the background was this orange color that gave me a head ache, which I still have! Orange = eye strain!

The story is coming along nicely. I have a villain and a reason for him to go after the man character. Now all I need is a plot. *laugh * I’ve got until Saturday to get a few more pages written. And I want to get another 2 pages done on Dewin’s story. I’ve got to find more energy and Zen-ness to get through the days.

I Don't Care Enough to Give it a Title

So once again I have to contact a library to find out that I didn't even get considered for the job. I'm not sure if I'm angry or hurt or what. I'm mostly numb and mostly in the mood to just give up on everything. My soul is basically dead at this point. The body just hasn't figured it out yet. I get up, go to work, go home, and go to sleep. lather rinse repeat. Hell I hardly see my husband anymore and when I do he's half asleep.

The truth is that you have to know someone or kill someone in order to get anywhere in life. It never matters if you are skilled or smart or would do anything for the patrons. It's all about stabbing people in the back or kissing their bleeding butts. I don't think they got it right in the bible when they claim Christ said to go out and use your talents and you'll be blessed. No! If you cast your pearls before the swine they're are just going to destroy you. My advise is to forget about sharing anything... you'll only get yourself squished.

Course the jury's still out on if God is even out there...and if he is if he cares, cuz there sure is hell no proof that he/she/it gives a shit.

The Invention of Hugo Cabret

Hugo is a 12 year old who is good creating mechanical things. He lives in the walls of a Paris train station where he keeps the clocks running. Isabelle is a bright girl who loves to read and who's Godfather runs the toy shop Hugo is so fond of watching. Can a broken Automaton make them friends and can the man in the moon make them happy? With the flicker of old movie magic nothing is impossible

I’ve just finished this most wonderful book: “The Invention of Hugo Cabret” by Brian Selznick. Part picture book part novel this story is about dreaming, magic and movies, but it's also about secrets. I would love to see Mr. Selznick get a Newbery for it. I haven’t come away from a book like this since Tale of Desperoux! I felt like a kid being read to. The sketches that make op part of the story add to the feeling of magic and imagery. This book goes on the favorites shelf and will likely be read many times.

It has a mechanical man in it – an automaton and here’s a link the author shares about one in Philadelphia.

http://www.fi.edu/pieces/knox/automaton/

A Mourning of Free Time

The Social Life of Richard and Robin has passed away. It went quickly on Tuesday August 22, 2007 when, after a few questions, the principle of Timpview Highschool offered Rick a teaching contract. Mr. Carson now has his own office, a couple of desks, a classroom, and several hundred students divided into 6 classes. His wife will miss him dearly, but feels that despite the elevated levels of stress he is happy. Rick is survived by his cat Tama, his wife, friends, and countless D&D characters.

Green Fish, Blue fish . . .

The guppy saga continues! I have now paid more for the upkeep of the lone surviving guppy than I did for all three. He’s got a fungus… I hope it’s a fungus as he is all limp and has grey/white spots on his tail. I put in a fizzy thing that turned the water green and is supposed to kill t he offending ick and make the guppy happy again. I also found out the Ph level in the water is high, the ammonia is 0 and that he loves bloodworms. He continues to have no name, as I’m sure the minute I name him he will die.

Which leads me to the fact that I’m now waiting for someone to hit my car, as I own it… Yes I have the title * Cackle *. His Lordship Lucius Von Saturn

Read a couple of interesting things in American Libraries (the magazine of the ALA). One was about interviews and the delicate nature of leaving/trying to get a job. The author wrote, “I have spoken to frustrated candidates across the country who have waited up to three months without a word from potential employers”. So that’s where I am. I’m in the silence. The dead calm. The maddening nothingness of a career void.
The other article was about why being a librarian is great. It was written in response to a Museum Studies student – in reference to library studies – saying, “OH, I’d never do that”. The writer was a little taken aback, but you know what I can completely understand. I’m beginning to think I’ve made a career mistake. I’m on auto pilot living. It’s like all the colors have gone out in the world and I’m just some speck that moves things around, but does nothing of significance.

Meow? MEEEEow? meow.

Well I just did something very stupid, but … who cares. I feel better. Life is still in that sucking stage and it will for sometime. I did however find a great new Manga – My Cat Loki. It’s about an artist and his cat. My fish tank is up and running. Some day I’ll get fish even! There is a big Eclipse party on Monday night that I’m going to. They are having contests and stuff. I need to send the info to Becky and Stacy. I’m seeing Bourn Ultimatum on Friday. That’ll be nice.

I wish I could quit and just write/paint and get paid. Don’t we all.

Cuz I have to post it somewhere

To whom it may concern:

I’m sorry that I was wasted your time in applying for what I felt would be a dream job. I and the other applicant are apparently unqualified to fill the position at your library, which leads me to wonder what ten years experience and a master degree are good for. It would have been nice to receive word concerning my status prier to receiving an e-mail from the Utah Library Association saying that there was a position open. We would not have been a good fit obviously, as I believe in trust, honesty, and above all respect in the work place.

Good luck finding someone.

Mrs. R DeSpain

It’s a Level 3 Spell.

My hat is off to Lord Voldemort. Never have I seen a basic level spell (shatter) used in such fine form. The Dark Lord may be evil, but when it comes to a wizard battle he’s top of the class. The latest installment of the Harry Potter Movie franchise is the best so far. I out right hated the book, but the movie redeems the plot line nicely. Finally the wizard world becomes real for me.

My poor husband was dragged to it on Friday night, which I think is where my terribly off week started. The depression hit bottom this week when I found that Springville Library has reposted the position I applied for without letting me know that I “didn’t get the job”. HOW TACKLESS IS THAT? This event, along with my husband not being there when I needed him and tongue lashing from another when all I really wanted was to clear the gloom from my head, sent me strait to the bottom.

The universe ripped me open and left me flayed on the salt flats. It’s amazing how being thrown to the wolves brings clarity. I’ve decided there is a God, but he’s not the loving, kind, “comforting” guy that many Christian groups want you to believe. Have you read the Old Testament? How about the New Testament? There’s proof enough for me without having to turn to the Book of Mormon for yet another witness that God doesn’t play nice with the humans. In fact I think he’s akin to the teacher that may know his stuff, but nobody wants to take a class from him. I’ve decided to drop his class. I’m not becoming an atheist by any means, but I’m just not going to expect much from Him and His anymore.

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.

--Gaiman and Pratchett's "Good Omens"

My Fish is happy as all get out. He’s in a new clean bowl, with plants. He can swim about and hide all he wants. He’s next to the TV on his own little shelf. The cat is intrigued. We call it Tama TV. She just sits and watches him from the couch. Maybe I’ll post a picture.

Hermits have no peer-pressure

In little over an hour I met four of my neighbors (4 households) and three cats. I had volunteered to do a survey for the neighborhood committee; they are looking at parking permits because the local student population is horribly disrespectful to the residence. This act of kindness has had the non-too surprising effect of putting me off people. Oh, I’m sure they are perfectly nice creatures; like seagulls or Africanized bees, but still I think I’ll pass. I have decided to become a hermit. My husband is exempt from this of course, and maybe a few of my friends, but on the whole people are out. I’ll be nice to you at work and hope that you don’t kill me on the road, but that’s it. I’ll even ignore most of you at church or the grocery store as Jo Ann says, “Don’t make eye contact”.

Though… the nice young man who stopped and carried in the evil bucket of mud is cool. There I was trying to get 65+ pounds of drywall mud to work – all by myself in a place where they make you park in outer darkness, because Heaven forbid I interfere with Woodbury Corp.’s profit margins because of my need for heath and safety – when a young man … I’d say about 17-19 years old actually pulled over and carried it in for me. So, Justin Diamond you are exempt from the “ban on people”. I hope he has a cool girlfriend and that he gets a scholarship to the college of his choice.

The walls are still not done at work. I have still not heard from Springville library. And I am still depressed.

In this fog of darkness, however, is a small bright spot and his name is Guy, or Malcolm…or quite possibly Steve. He is a $40 beta. Yes, he is a genuine purebred fish. He has lovely orange skin with a hint of purple on the tail. He’s quite taken with his Rubbermaid bowl and place of prominence on the mantel. The 10-gallon tank he came in, complete with water, gravel, decoration and filters will be home to my guppies and tetras soon. I don’t think he minds at all though. He’ll have a new privet “bowl” that’s shaped like a martini glass…maybe I’ll call him Olive

Practicing Non-aggression

How wonderful are the teachings of Buddhism. There is such an acceptance of how horrible life is and then how to flow through it like water. One drop may not make that big of a difference, but when a river flows it changes the landscape forever.

I am a Buddhist as well as a Christian. My mind has been drawn closer to Buddha for the last couple of weeks. I had the privilege to attend the blessing and distribution of a mandal in Zion’s Park. Ok in Springdale, which is right next to it. But it was the most wonderful experience and well worth the 4+ hour drive. To see the monks working to create such a thing of beauty, and then gladly destroy it; I am in awe.

There were easily two hundred people at the ceremony. Such prayer and devotion to making the world a little better. Like those bits of sand, it may seem so small and ineffective, but I’m sure everyone there will remember the experience. How the voices of the monk seem to make the universe sit up and take notice. We walked for ten or more minuets from the community center to the Virgin river; stopping traffic. People came out of restaurants and hotel rooms. They took pictures and joined in. Even as the final prayers were being offered a young man and (probably) his mother came floating by in the river. It was wonderful. For an hour or so the world was at peace.

I miss that feeling.

I’m quite depressed right now and little things make large wounds. Do people know who hurtful action or a word can be? I live in a largely LDS (Mormon) community and even the people here, who are basically “nice” to those who know them, are full of angry words and opinions. We inflict pain in little ways all the time…like when we don’t signal while driving a car (that one make me very nervous when I drive – I hate driving) or when someone has a different opinion than us, or when we are at church and someone lets their child cry loudly so as to make it impossible to hear the sermon being given. Do we know how wounding our lives are to those around us. Human are selfish creatures.

I want things to happen. I want things to change. I want and then I forget the teachings of my Master – Christ the greatest Buddha

The Great Conjunction

Once more unto the breach my friends. I have tried to blog in the past and never liked the format. Add to that grad school or work and the the fact that I'd rather be reading or painting... well blogging just didn't happen. I am, however, attempting to take it up again in hope that it will become something interesting. I know I love reading blogs.

So what is up this week. I'm stressing over a job application. I really want it! It's the youth services librarianship at Springville Library, but I'm getting depressed about it. They were interviewing someone at ALA and I'm betting it was some perky kiddy librarian (aka romper room). Which means they likely interviewed better than I did - I always interview badly. And they'll get it. *sigh* I try to do everything right and nothing works out. I get really tiered of it. I can understand why some people go all nuts after tyring for so long and being passed up because it's who you know not how skilled you are.

The art museum has unpainted walls, but that will change this week.
World Horror Convention planning is coming along well. COME and VOTE for Hideyuki Kikuchi for life time achievement award! (more later) http://www.whc2008.org/

Finally got to see some movies this weekend. TRANSFORMERS is cool . . . pointless, but cool. Pan Labyrinth was good, disturbing, but good.

Well back to work.